Monday, May 01, 2006

John

John, sitting on his desk acting so miserable, he is an reporter around 40 years old. Michael, a friend enters his office.

Michael : Hello John, how are you today?
John : Ah hi Michael.
Michael : Whats up?
John : Oh nothing.
Michael : Come on, its obvious, your face is telling me so. You had a divorce, got robbed?
John : I wish I did.
Michael : Huh?
John : My lame, stupid, fucking editor ordered me to write an article about Sodi Arbia.
Michael : Sodi Arbia? You mean Saudi Arabia?
John : Yeah Sandi Barbaria.
Michael : So whats wrong with that?
* John suddenly stands up.
John : Whats wrong with that? I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT SANDI BARBARIA! Thats all!
Michael : Well, they have oil. They caused 9/11, uhh.. have camels, and live in a desert!
John : Oh, problem solved.. not! Do you think I can actually write that in an article!
Michael : Just talk about how Saudi Arabia is continuing to opress women and stuff.
John : The editor wants a new thing, something never talked about.
Michael : Tell him nothing new happened in Saudi Arabia, the usual terrorists flying planes into there tents, Camel1 racing, bedouins walking with chopped off hands.
John : AGH! Complicated.
Michael : Aha! I have a good idea.
John : What?
Michael : Let us search google for Saudi Arabia articles.
John : Ok.

They both open google, began searching. Find a couple of articles..
John : Hey look at this! http://www.spa.gov.sa/English/details.php?id=357397
Michael : So there old dying king lowered oil prices?
John : Why can't he lower the oil prices in the world then!?
Michael : Well, maybe because he is the king of Saudi Arabia, not the world.
John : Still, they must be lowering it for some good reasons, maybe so terrorists in Iraq can come to Saudi Arabia, fill oil, and go there and place more money on bombs, and kill our troops there.
Michael : But we dont have proof.
John : Oh yes we do, why would they lower oil prices then?
Michael : So there citizens can save some money?
John : Haha, those filthy rich bedouins? They are filled with money, but the reason why terrorism has been quiet lately is because they are beginning to lose money, lower the oil prices, and use that money on terrorism.
Michael : But they only lowered 30 halalas, halalas are there cents, per liter.
John : And how much does one halala equal?
Michael : Uhh....
John : It probably equals 1 dollar!, they are saving 30 dollars every time they pump a liter, in one day they can buy tons of explosives!
Michael : Your right, thats why there was some explosions in Egypt!
John : OH yes! Haha we caught you evil Sandi Barbaria!
Michael : Oh yes, now quickly type this article and lets go to DarkSea nightclub down the street.
John : Oh okay.

"SAUDI ARABIA LOWERS OIL PRICES TO INCREASE THE LOCAL SUPPORT OF TERRORISM FROM CITIZENS"
By John DumDumb Blah City, Lala Land

Sunday, April 30, 2006

American Media, #1!

http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/world/la-fg-shiites26apr26,0,6032003.story?page=1&coll=la-home-headlines

This is only some of the lately 'shia discontent' in Saudi Arabia. What the? First of all, the shia are mad because of the government. Which is influenced by Wahhabis, muttawas, etc. Everyone in Saudi Arabia hates the Wahhabis, Najdi, Bedoui, Hijazi, Qaseemi, Jizani, 5w6y :p, even the foriegners. Everyone doesn't like something in the government.

But how funny, they never talked about the Shia dicontent south, in Jizan and Aseer area. There is actually some violence there, mostly over shia, and yemeni borders. BUT OF COURSE, the American well developed and well informative of our country media didn't talk about it why? Maybe because Aseer has lots of tourism in KSA? Since Saudi Arabia is an 'ally', they don't want to ruin the local tourism, the only place where Saudis might actually consider to go in summer. Of course thats why, Eastern Province is useless, and if it got 'broken up' and joined USA for example, it would help us really. No need to spend money on those cities. No need to improve the oil refineries, or the couple of universities there. Let the Americans do it, they can pump the oil and sell it instead. Yeah, its finally entering my brain. America is just helping us get rid of the violent and rowdy bunch of Eastern Province.* Thank you America media, you proved you are smart, know alot about the Saudi areas, and there people. And most of all, you don't spread propangda!

Jizan, Aseer, Najran, South West Saudi Arabia :- An area mostly Shia, with some family having roots from Yemen. Since there is a problem with border placements between Yemen and KSA, violence between tribes from Yemen and Saudi Arabia are from time to time fighting against the Saudi military there. Also because they are trying to force Wahhabi religion over Shia there. Unlike Eastern Province, which is totally a peaceful place. Many people actually visit there, personally, other than Najd, and Mecca, both Dammam and Khobar are the only places I visited in KSA till now. My uncle's family is there, even though you would consider him as a Wahhabi extremist.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Punishments

Yes people, you will one day get caught, so you must face... the punishment. But, there is a huge variety of punishments in high schools, how can I evade them, how can I know them? Voila :-

The Stubborn Punishment :- Very annoying, can do a huge damage to your evading reputation. Yes, this teacher will insist on punishing you, no matter what you did. Having a reputation of being a troublemaker makes almost all evading tricks useless. For ex, lets say you were talking with a friend. He insulted your mother, will you shut up? OF COURSE NOT! You will response by swearing his look, sister, etc, he will also reply, soon it will get out of hand. You must learn patience against the Stubborn teacher, he will punish both of you, no matter what happens.

1st choice :- He might be the marks kind, who will take out his marks register paper (MRP) and look for your name. If your the last, good for you, if your the first, uhoh. While he looks for your name, you can use different ways of not getting a negative mark. The best, is to offer the teacher to sit away from the people you were talking/fighting with, or stand up near the wall next to the teacher. If that doesn't work, then your just a stupid moron to begin with!

2nd choice :- He will tell you to go out, in other words, to go out into hell! I am sorry, but this is a 'game over' situation. If your well known for being a small troublemaker, using the Stand Away situation (The one above?) might help. If not, no matter what you do. Kneel on the floor, kiss his foot, he will keep saying no go out. I once was about to cry from the amount of swearing I didn't do it, but nothing. So, simply go out.


The Suddent Attacker :- Sudden Attacker? Yes, some teachers/supervisors are dangerous, physically, you might be enjoying your time during a boring Math class watching some videos on your mobile, BAM, he comes from front of you while you do not notice, slaps you on the head, takes the mobile, and threatens to kick you out/take off some marks. Ouch? Yes indeed.

Ex 1 :- You must look around your 'environment' before fooling around, he might be in the hall wandering, looking for fresh prey. Or he might be in your class. So you are so bored, and your friend has some new cool Pamela Anderson pictures etc. You want to see it badly, and send it via bluetooth to your mobile. But, the Sudden Attacker is around, WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

First, place your mobile in the desk, and hold the mobile you want to see the pictures on and send to. Your other hand on top of the desk. (Better for you to place the mobile in your 'main' hand) Look at the files in your friends mobile for 5 seconds, normally look around for 5 seconds, to make sure the sudden attacker is not suspicious, when you make sure his eyes isn't on you, quickly look back. Continue this cycle, if you feel the sudden attacker has his suspicions high, do not PANIC. (Ex. Do not quickly place the mobile inside the desk, slowly, and make sure the main hand is still down, 3 seconds then raise it slowly to scratch your nose, and slowly move your chair closer to the desk, make sure its not noticeable. At this time he will suspect, but won't make his move. Forget the mobile and concentrate for the rest of the period, or continue if you want to get fried.

So I got caught, I ain't a professional as Saudi Future, what should I do?

Well, you are under his mercy. One thing, MAKE SURE THERE IS 3-5 FEETS BETWEEN YOU AND HIM!!!!11!111

WHY?!

Because the sudden attacker might actually suddenly attack?! He will slap his hands towards your face, and quickly raise his feet into your ass, and shout at you to go to his office, or to the office. Do you want to be embaressed infront of the class? Not me, make sure there is a limit, and when you see him move towards you, get the fuck outta his reach area!

The sudden attacker and stubborn punishment are fatal, so make sure you aren't under there mercy.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Kinds Of Teachers

They are many kind of teachers, but each one has his/her attitude, so which one should you sleep, which one should you mess around, and which one should you actually study?


The Strict Teacher : If your teacher is a bodybuilder, who drinks coffee all the time, then BE CAREFUL. Do not do anything bad, he will rip apart your body, some go physical, while others scream all day. Others kick you out and you'll get screwed with the principal, some strict teachers do all that. It will be even worse if he is a Art, French, or PE teacher or any other lame and useless subject, then you'll have to concentrate to something lame, like saying Bonjour and Oui all day. But if its Math, then you'll get to learn some important stuff!

Advice : Save all your energy for this class. If your sleepy, slap yourself around, to try to wake up, if your hungry, better eat before he comes, and if your bored, then you better look at your watch every minute. If you want to daydream, then the minute he begins to explain, look towards your book and enter your daydream world. But if he's writing, then you better write, or he'll kill you or your marks if he catches you not writing...

The Angry Teacher : Their's a difference between Angry and Strict, unlike the Strict teacher, the Angry ones will attack without questioning. For example, your daydreaming peacefully, when someone nearby pushes down your desk. The Angry Teacher, will begin by screaming, then look towards the noise, and boom, their goes the thing he was holding towards you. ESPICIALLY if your sitting in the last row, or the wall behind you. Books, markers, pens, erasers, anything he can possibly throw. At least you can hope he will throw the marker, hey at least you can use it to draw on your desk later.

Advice : This is the best place to sleep. Eating or talking will make you get hit by a book or a marker, while sleeping he won't care at all. So good dreams.

The Clumsy Teacher : This is heaven class, espicially if he teaches a useless subject. Gather all your antics and energy for this class. You can scream "FUCK YOU Mr.BLAH" and he won't care, why? He doesn't have the guts to do it thats why. Best place to sit is in the back, this way you can't get pens, oranges, and bananas thrown at you. And you can throw it, and its best to sit next to other troublemakers. This way you can scream, but won't know which one of you did it. Don't forget to get your missiles ready. Fruits, pens, papers etc, make sure you throw it on nerdy students, its a hell of fun to see them looking around to see who did it, haha really cracks me up. If you have the guts, then make an paperplane, and aim it at the teacher. IF caught, then you can say that planes attack people randomly, and it wasn't your fault.

Advice : Even though he's clumsy, but he has his ways. You can get marks and fool around? YES you can, first of all, you have to place your book and notebook with you. Open them, and turn the notebook to some written page, and make sure it isn't signed. This way you can show him your notepad and get marks when he asks for homework/classwork, he won't read it, so don't worry. If he sees you messing around a couple of times, then beware. Some can get pissed off and tell you to go out. You can beg awhile, but its all luck. Beware of those who go call the supervisors, if its one of them, then go out peacefully, stay 15 minutes in the bathroom, come out, and politely apologize. When your back continue fooling around.

Tommorow : Different ways of fooling around, and how to evade getting caught!

Monday, February 27, 2006

When will we talk for ourselves?

For years you have publicly apologized for comparatively low levels of violence, lack of reform, or the slow pace of change. Repeatedly I heard the despair and cynicism blinding you to what is happening in front of you: Palpable change, construction growth, new institutions, reform efforts, and the mutawa. You have much to be proud of, but your politeness and kindness allows the West to trample you, naming you a threat to “democracy” and the world.
You cannot let this continue. Pre-empt the increase in anti-Saudi hostility and stop re-emphasizing your weaknesses. You are a dignified people, so take pride in your country in action, not just spirit. Explain to the world how you respect women, how safe and free from crime you are, and how family takes priority. Demand how the US, world leader in murder, rape and domestic violence, dare accuse you of human rights abuses. Ask how Americans can defend their preferred method of capital punishment by electrocuting women, minors and the mentally handicapped. How, if democracy includes the export of the largest pornographic industry throughout the world, can they judge the Kingdom for its restrictions? Why can a Saudi leave his wallet, laptop and digital camera on the front seat of a car, as I did, and return to find everything intact? Americans live in gated subdivisions with security alarms; child molesters roam free in every neighborhood. Half empty compounds in the Kingdom are triple barricaded, one Alkhobar compound protected by five security walls and armored trucks. Murderers don’t return to the scene of their crime, so why such fear? Nuns, priests, Jewish settlers, rabbis and Catholics cover their heads but Saudi women are “oppressed” for such? Why apologize for your rate of progress when it took the United States two hundred years, until 1920, to grant women the right to vote? American women are paid seventy-five cents to the dollar compared to men; the Prophet’s first wife was his employer, a successful and powerful businesswoman.
Another wife, Aisha, fought in battle alongside men, and Islam forbids racism. How then did it take until 1963 after riots and protests before blacks were granted civil rights, the end to segregation, and freedom? Bias remains rampant and races still do not mix freely.
Why can the US government attack any Arab nation when not one Arab state has ever threatened America? Is this “democracy”? More importantly, is this what you want?


http://www.saudi-american-forum.org/Newsletters2005/SAF_Item_Of_Interest_2005_05_30.htm

And the American press continues to criticize us like a blind monkey. When Mr.Paul was killed by Saudi terrorists, outraged happened in the USA. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen every time, when Mr.Folan gets killed in a gang fight, or when Mrs.Smith gets raped then killed, when Mr.John gets hanged on his house tree because he flunked a couple of teenager students, when 15 year old Mark gets killed after he was 'playing' with his gun he got, when Jennifer ran away from home to become a prostitute, when James died because of drugs, why don't they cry and blame themselves? When 15 Saudis killed 3,000 people, they were outraged. But when 1000 Americans kill 1000 Americans by drugs, rape, murder, homicide, revenge, and gang fights during a month, nothing even happens compared to 9/11. Why don't we talk back, even Americans who studied us thinks we should. Why was it okay for them to kill themselves and other innocent people, and when we kill people they act like hell fell down. Why don't you do the same when

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Weirdos Part 2

We had this Philipino maid, she was calm and quiet and only speaked English. She worked around 7 hours or so, 2 hours in morning cleaning, 2 hours cooking, and another 2-3 babysitting my small brother. We gave her around 300 dollars, she lived with us. For Westerns, we never tortured her. We never taped her hands to the wall and began throwing rocks on her. We never flogged her when she she placed a foot outside the house. Etc, all those usual maids complaining about how we Saudis are barbaric in treating her. We never even shouted at her. One Thursday morning, I was sleeping enjoying my only day I get some real sleep, when I heard my father shouting. It turned out that my maid wanted a 6,000 dollars or so, her father had a 'heart attack'. Before she accepted our offer to work at our house, she asked for a couple of thousand dollars, to send to her 'poor and dying family'. After quite awhile, my father gave her what she wanted. Next morning, my mom woke up and found that the maid wasn't cleaning the house (sweeping, cleaning the rooms, making the beds). She went to her room and didn't find her, it turned out she had ran away, with the money and everything, even my mother's new abaya..

Where is she?!?!


She can't be staying in a hotel, she'll use up her money in a couple of weeks/days, and besides she needs a job. I don't really care about her, but I'm rather sad to see my father being robbed, and he is only one in a million of the many Saudis who are being robbed daily. Whenever you enter with a shma3 and thobe, they raise up their prices. Whenever they see you they ask you for money, saying you have lots of money and you don't need a couple of riyals blah blah blah, and blah. Summary..

Why do arab governments always ask for 'finacial help' from us, why do other arabs always ask for money for us, why do other arabs always swear and insult us behind our backs, why does my Egyptian friend calls me 'Badwi' and when he sees a real bedouin he acts like he didn't see him? And finally, why do we still help them?

WE ARE HUMANS AND WE ALSO NEED MONEY, JUST BECAUSE WE WALK, LIVE, EAT, AND SLEEP WITH OIL UNDER US DOESN'T MEAN WE DON'T NEED MONEY, SO $$$$ OFF, ITS NOT OUR PROBLEM YOU AREN'T RICH!!

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Weirdos Part 1

Today while I was in class, we were studying British rule over Egypt and how Zionist began and how Jewish settlers began moving to Palestine. While I was reading some pages ahead of the class to myself, I heard some Palestinian guy saying "Haha Saudis were riding camels". I quickly looked at him and replied "And were where you guys doing huh?". I wanted to add some more, but didn't feel liking losing some marks because of it. Really, who is he to talk about Saudis riding camels? At least we were living in peace, riding our camels, unlike Palestine that were begging people for help..

Our teacher was talking about Social Studies, then he usually began going off-topic as usual, either talking about women or governments. This time it was about governments, he was talking about the kaafala (In Saudi Arabia, foriegns must have a kafeel, who takes care of his legal papers and is responsible for what he does, and some make them pay him a monthly salary, around 200 - 100 riyals.) "Yalen abo ableshum! God curse them! They are so rich and they still want more? For a measly hundred or so riyals?" he said in frustration. Another one, a Jordanian guy said in an Arabic class, while we were talking about what the rich are said about in Quran, "Those Saudis are rich, and they want more, mat7lfeen, uncivilized". Those two are similar statements, so one reply goes to them. America's military is the strongest, and continue to try to make it stronger, they didn't complain about it. Japan's industry is the strongest in the world, and they continue to try to make it stronger, so when Saudi Arabia's economy is strong (Its not even the strongest in the world, but they only complain about it only?!) but of course they have to complain about them. Everyone wants to be stronger, they better not forget, how they used to get a measly 500 $ salary in their countries, now when they get at least 2000 $ they are suddenly all that. If you think foriegners in Saudi Arabia are weird, wait till the next part!